Here lies Gandalf. He came out

On the night of June 2^nd, 2012 I watched Sir Ian McKellen give a series of monologues in front of a live audience. During the first half of the show the floor was open to a Q&A session, whereby the audience could ask this renowned actor any question of their liking. However I am not here to brag about how I met Sir Ian on a one-to-one basis, nor am I going to talk about the performance he gave. Instead, I shall be expressing my thoughts regarding a certain similarity that the both of us share, and the precious advice that Sir Ian gave me that night.

Sir Ian McKellen is in fact homosexual. So am I. This is the one thing that we share in common and one of the reasons why I look up to him for inspiration. He is, if you would, my own ‘kind’ and Sir Ian has done well despite his tendencies and much scrutiny from others. For a long time now he has ‘come out’ into the world, and he is certainly not ashamed to talk about his tendencies (given that during the night he specifically gave the audience permission to ask him about “what does it mean for me coming out for a gay man…”). I admire him for such bravery and tenacity. However one thing that we do not share in common is our place in the world with regards to this issue. Sir Ian has come out into the world and openly declared himself to be gay. I have not. It was then that I knew I just had to seize the moment and ask this great man about this issue of ‘coming out’ and get some direction in my life. For there are not many chances when a person such as myself with these tendencies who can meet a person such as Sir Ian with the same tendencies and ask a life changing question, now is there? It was indeed a once in a lifetime opportunity. Thus I plucked up my courage and made no regrets. And in the presence of an audience of hundreds I asked Sir Ian in these exact words: “Sir Ian. Pardon the delicacy of this question. But what was your experience like coming out as a gay man, and do you have any advice for those who might be in the same shoes as yours, if you would?”

Sir Ian’s response was one of inspiring practicality. Strange phrase, but Sir Ian encouraged those like me to, in his own words, “Just do it!” (Just come out, in other words). He told the audience his own experience of coming out and of how some people around him already knew of his tendencies. He told of someone called Gladys who heaved a sigh of relief when she found out he was only gay, thinking that he was about to confess something dreadful. He stated that his coming out actually strengthened his relationship with others, and he vehemently expressed that coming out is in fact what makes that person who he really is – the person is being true to himself. Sir Ian also made a joke of how he would want the phrase “Here lies Gandalf. He came out” inscribed onto his tombstone. On this note, I will say that during the time in which he talked about this issue, he kept on glancing at me. No, not because he was answering my question if you would. But being seated at the front row, I saw a glint in his eyes that told me he knew I was gay too just like him. This was a very rare thing to experience since for that split second, the man I saw on stage was not just that Sir Ian, but Gandalf the Grey – the Gandalf whom I admired so much in the Lord of the Rings trilogy; the Gandalf who had come out, and the Gandalf who was now giving me his heart-felt advice like he did to Frodo.

What Sir Ian said that night I shall never forget. The instant he replied “Just do it!”, I felt something leap inside of me almost as if I too wanted to come out and shout “I am gay! And I was born this way!” There was a part of me that was hoping that Sir Ian would ask me publically if I was gay so as to assist me with my own coming out; and I knew what I would say if he did so (what a privilege it would have been if my coming out was by the side of Sir Ian!). However I know that there is a time and place for everything and no one can do this for me since coming out should be and is something personal. Furthermore, what he said only reinforced what I already believed in and stood for. As a staunch supporter of the (Lady) “GaGa” ideology, I believe that being true to oneself is a very important thing when personal identity is concerned. Sir Ian mentioning that coming out is what makes a person who he is was a clear sign and confirmation to me that I was not alone in my fight, and it only assured me that what I was fighting for could not have been in vain. Oh what a surge of bravery I had that night! – bravery to be true to myself; bravery to fight for what I believe in; and bravery to be who I am. It is so then, that Lady GaGa told me I was Born this Way, and Sir Ian told me to Just Do it.

That was my night with Sir Ian and I shall never forget this precious, priceless experience. Sir Ian’s simple answers and simple stories had such profound and deep impacts on my life, and once again I felt brave and inspired for this walk of mine. It is curious how moments like these occur when you least expect it, but when they do they have such lasting impacts on you. However the underlying question still remains: will I come out into society? Will I take that bold step and reveal my tendencies to a world that does not take kindly to it? For if it a choice between my safety or my identity, then it is beyond any doubt that I will choose the latter.  Thus, “Here lies Gandalf. He came out”. And it is now “Here waits Dominic. Will he come out?”