The F.A.M.E

Well here I am sitting in the study room of the Governor’s Suite in the Stamford Hotel in Auckland, New Zealand. A suite you say? Yes. Though this may not be the best suite to reside in, there is one thing special about this place: Lady GaGa herself stayed here during her Born This Way Ball tour in NZ! Indeed, this is the room where she ate, showered, slept, and did who knows what else. Alright I sound like a stalker now, which I’m not. My point is that the specialness of this place is one to be treasured and remembered given that the last time I was in Auckland the security of the hotel was so tight that we couldn’t even make it past the lobby entrance. Yet this time it is different - this time I am in the very same room of GaGa! And tonight I shall sleep in the same bed as she did! What an ostentatious and elaborate way of living. This is truly the life of Fame!

Quite recently, Lady GaGa released her own brand of perfume called “Fame” and this day marks yet another milestone given that her perfume I had just purchased was opened in this very room (in fact given that her perfume was released only a month ago and the likelihood of someone bringing that perfume into this room since then is slim to none, this may be the inaugural time that “Fame” has paid a visit to its mistress’ residence). Lady GaGa described the concept of fame as having a “black soul” and as something that anybody can attain. It is interesting that she perceives fame to be this abstract entity that is easily available to anyone and after giving it some thought, I myself believe this to be true. Fame is not something to be worked for and no amount of effort will make a person famous – it is unlike getting promoted in a job or getting rewarded for one’s efforts. No one can make himself famous since it is fame that reaches the person. When fame finds its way to an unsuspecting individual, the “black soul” of fame assimilates itself to the person’s identity indefinitely. This is what I think GaGa means but I do not wish to philosophize here. I instead wish to talk about my personal quest for fame and why I desire it not as something that I can take pleasure in, but as something that I hope will fulfill my life.

To understand why I yearn for fame, we must return to two years ago in 2010. During this time I was deeply in love with someone whom I knew could not reciprocate that love given that I was gay and he was a straight Christian. It was an impossible love that I was searching for. For almost two years I went through unspeakable heartache and sorrow and it is only recently that I have fully recovered from that ordeal and fully moved on. Presently, I have wondered if I should love again despite the past hurts. I do admit that I feel lonely at times and sometimes I envy others who can express their love so easily. Given how different I am from other homosexuals it would be difficult to find someone who could love me in return; and it would be more difficult for us to lead a normal life given society’s discrimination of us. I suspect that the life of love is one thing I can never attain and I must come to terms with the fact that my life can never be ‘normal’ like it is with heterosexuals lest it destroys me. Therefore, it would seem that the life I am hoping for is not meant for me, and I must cease wanting and desiring and look to what my future could bring instead.

In one of her songs titled Love Game, Lady GaGa posed the question “do you want love or do you want fame?” For the reasons I have just mentioned, it is needless to say that I choose and have chosen the latter. Knowing how hard it is to peacefully lead a life of love and after experiencing unfathomable heartache, much of my identity has changed right and I have become a rather different person to what I was those few years ago. Though there is nothing wrong with whom I am now, I sometimes do regret this change and I occasionally reminisce back to what I call my Days of Innocence. However, I have accepted this change and I am proud of who I have become - I live for what is to come and not for what is already past. As of now I will say that this change has affected me to the deepest parts of my soul. My once pure soul that was so ready to love and be loved is now tainted by the very object of its desire. My soul has evolved into a new soul – an empty, fathomless soul that is capable of any and everything, save love. Mine is truly a black soul. Mine is the Fame. This is my black soul of Fame.